My Journey Toward Recovery

Better Late

I'm a bit late writing today. I've just found out that as of July 1st, my insurance has changed. I'm not sure my sessions will be covered any longer. I'm hoping all will be okay, but we will see. Eating and exercise wise I've been staying the same. No better and no worse. 

I will fill you in after I know more. Wish me luck.

Friday

Let me just say, this day could not have come at a better time. I need to step back and reset. It's amazing how work controls your life. It can make or break your day.  Yesterday was stressful, but I'm determined to make today better. Eating wise, I'm doing the same. I still have peanut butter or yogurt for breakfast, turkey wrap with mayo for lunch and nothing for dinner. 

I did get some pistachios in yesterday, but not for breakfast. I did put it in my log at breakfast. Let's hope that my nutritionist ever comes across this blog. LOL. 

I know I'm doing a disservice to myself, but that's what an eating disorder does, for those of you that don't know. I will keep trucking along in hopes that one day, something will click in my brain, and I'll be a recovering from not suffering from an eating disorder.

I won't be blogging over the weekend; I need to get some editing and writing done. So, unless something major happens, I'll talk to y'all on Monday.

It's a long and winding road

I realized today that I am kind of doing the intermittent fasting. I never really thought about it, but I get up between 4 and 430 to get my workout done, I then go downstairs have a cup of coffee, do Wordle and Connections before I head up to shower.  I then go and have another cup of coffee before doing my hair and make-up. Finally, around 7-730 I have breakfast, either a spoonful of peanut butter or sugar free Greek yogurt.  I come home for lunch and have turkey breast on a wrap with mayo and head back to work. I normally don't eat dinner and this week each day after work I go directly upstairs to do my writing before heading to bed. So, apparently my eating window is between 5:30 am to 1:30 pm.  I've been doing this for a long time, my husband is rarely home before 8 pm. Consciously or not, I've obviously gotten into 16-8 intermittent fasting routine. I'm sure my nutritionist will have a field day with that.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Happy Wednesday

Hey everyone, just trying to make it through the week. The good news is that we are on the downslide, before you know it, it will be Monday again.  Mondays come around fast. I wonder if that's because I dread my weekly sessions.  I certain that is what it is.  I haven't had breakfast yet today. I guess I will have a nut or two in order to meet my challenge. My nutritionist always says things and I manage to get around it, like she said add nuts to breakfast 1 day a week, well she didn't specify how many, hence why she tells me my eating disorder is too smart for my own good. It's always looking for loopholes. LOL

Well, until tomorrow. Have a wonderful day.

July 9th

My session was pretty uneventful, we mostly discussed my body dysmorphia and having to deal with going to my 40th class reunion. She's worried that this event will through me into a downward spiral. We will discuss that more in depth next week. She did add an additional goal of now adding a fat to my breakfast 2 x a week.  She suggested adding granola or nuts. I don't understand, because she tells me my peanut butter is a protein not a fat, but to add fats add a nut. I don't know. But I guess she is the expert. We will see how the week goes. 

Until tomorrow.

 

July 8th

A very happy birthday to my husband and my number one supporter. Sorry for no post yesterday. It was a very hectic day, with all the guests leaving and watching the grandkids while my daughter took my son to the airport. They keep me hopping.  Overall, the stress of having guests and a holiday rolled up into a not stop eating/drinking fest, I think I fared well.

We will find out tonight when my dietician analyzes my food log.  I, although really annoyed and mentally done trying to beat this, did okay. I'm tired of being scrutinized and questioned about why I did this instead of that.  We will see if she agrees with my assessment of my eating. 

Until tomorrow. 

July 6th

Sorry I missed yesterday. It was a very busy day. We canned tomatoes and then when out to dinner. I did have a small side salad with a vinaigrette, but I could not pour over the salad, as a matter of fact, I barely even dipped lettuce into the dressing at all. I also did my normal treadmill and later after dinner took an hour long walk on the beach. We had two turtles come up to nest and some fisherman caught a 6ft shark. He released it, may want to think twice before stepping my toes into the ocean again. Well, that's my update, I could do the challenge. Will have to try again, at another time.

Have a wonderful Saturday!

 

4th of July,

Well, lucky for me, there will be no picnic, so I don't have to worry about being surrounded by food and people. We will be having a picnic on Saturday, but most of the day will hopefully be spent at the beach.  I will continue to do some exercising, although my guest will be staying in my spare room which houses my treadmill and Pilates machine.  I guess I'll be doing yoga and free weights. Anyway, you all enjoy your day off and celebrate however you feel.

 

July 3rd

Good morning. Normally I would say Happy Humpday, but today is my Friday! Four-day weekend!!!!! I do have family coming in for the holiday weekend, so eating will be interesting. I'm going to try not to dwell on it. I am hoping to get a lot of writing done over the next four days. So, eating won't be a priority and I'm not sorry about it. I know I will hear about it on Monday, but it's okay. You know it's funny, I worry about being judged for the way I look and how much I weigh, and yet I voluntarily sit every Monday and get judged about how much exercise I do and how little I eat. I'm a sick person.

Anyway, have a wonderful Wednesday and for those of you that celebrate the 4th of July, be safe!

Tuesday, July 2

Hey, it's been a few days since I blogged, so here I am. 

I had my session yesterday and it went well. I exceeded all of my challenges. Now she expects me to keep it up. I told her we will be having guests, and I am sure they will want to go out to eat. I'm not big for dining out, it is very stressful for me as you can guess. She suggested I get a salad and use full fat dressing. That is a big no, no in my book. I usually get a house with no dressing. I asked if I could have the dressing on the side and dip my salad into the dressing and she said NO. I will have to pour it on my salad. Yeah, I can't even fathom that. I asked my husband if they do go out, do not make me go. We will see how that goes.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Friday Funday

It's the end of another work week, it has been okay. My annoyance regarding the eating logging is still taking its toll. I'm thinking of just forgetting the entire thing and go about my life as normal. I have been doing this for 45 years, why stop now? I'm not seeing any progress; it is making me unhappy and ornery. I don't even like myself now a days. I'll take the weekend off from blogging to work on my next novel, The Altar Boy. So, y'all have a wonderful weekend and I'll check in on Monday. Love yourself! Words I need to work on.

We're sloping toward the weekend

Today is going to be a good day.  I had two good workouts today, a real one and one in my dream. What does it mean when you dream about working out? Anyway, I managed to get in a good workout with weights. I'm trying to build muscle and not worry so much about the scale. That is going to be a big change of thought process. Wish me luck and let me know if any of you have suggestions. I'm not going to worry about food, I'm not going to dwell on whether I meet my challenges or not. I know that sounds counterproductive, but I am exhausted worrying about it.

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday 6/26/2024

I'm very annoyed today. I'm not sure why. I woke up feeling good, had a great workout, took a shower and all hell broke out. I think I am upset that this journey is wearing me down. I just want it to be over. Does anyone have a magic wand I can wave and have everything be okay. I just want to be okay when I look in the mirror and be okay with what I see and not some pissed off woman that constantly belittle herself for being overweight and having no willpower. I need to do better, I will do better. Tomorrow!

After Session

I have to say, I hate it when my nutritionist agrees with my husband. She pointed out that she thinks some of my old habits are rearing their ugly head. I was not in a good place after that session. I so wanted to just curl up in my bed and embrace my eating disorder.  I still feel that way today. I don't know how the day is going to go, but I am sure I will dwell on it all day long. I will let you know how it goes. Wish me luck. 

I could be on the downslide of regressing back into my old ways.

Well, it's Monday

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. Mine was extremely busy. I had my granddaughter on Friday night and then on Saturday my daughter and grandson joined the party. Big family slumber party. It's been a while since we've done that. LOL

My eating this weekend, I guess was okay. My husband had mentioned that he thought I was slipping back into my old habits. I just love when people point that out, makes me want to eat more...NOT.

Other than that, I have a session tonight so we will see what she thinks of my log. I feel pretty good. 

Have something exciting to announce, move over to my blog to check it out.

 

Thank the Lord it's Friday

Actually, it has been a really good week. I'm going to be sad to have it end.  

Last night I did something that I haven't done in a very very long time and this morning I'm paying the price. No, I didn't go on an alcohol binge, but I did go on a food binge. Last night I ate fried cheese sticks! Yes, cheese sticks. They were delicious going down, but my tummy is in extreme pain this morning. I feel so full and bloated, I don't think I'll be able to eat breakfast and that won't go over well with the dietician.  So, it will be clean eating this weekend.

I have my grandkids this weekend, so I don't know how much free time I'll have to blog. 

Peace out!

 

Thursday

Nothing exciting going on here. Did my normal workout and had my normal peanut butter for breakfast. I have my grandkids for the weekend, so I definitely will not have time to blog about this journey or anything else. I hope today I will be able to reach my challenges without incident. 

On a brighter note, I'm feeling much better, my cough is completely gone. The exhaustion is still extreme, but I will try to get some much-needed rest, even with the kids here. Wish me luck on that!

Have a wonderful day, we are on the downslope to the weekend! Positive thinking at it's best.

Wednesday

I'm thinking of cutting my journaling of My Journey Toward Recover down to 1 time a week. The summer is here, and it is really hectic. Today, I'm feeling okay about everything. I have my 40th Class reunion coming up next month and that is going to be difficult. In high school I was in the beginning of my eating disorder, I was thin all throughout. I'm not quite as thin as I was and that's a bit terrifying. The wrinkles don't bother me as much, because unless you've had Botox or a facelift everyone is going to have the wrinkles.  Hopefully, people won't judged.

Thank you for your continued 

Tuesday, June 18th

I will start off by saying that my appointment went well. I'm stable...so, yay!  Next, I'd like to say, that I really enjoyed not having a session with the dietician yesterday. I guess, that's probably to be expected. Afterall, who likes to be called out on what you eat and don't eat.  I'm feeling pretty good this morning. No complaints here, other than my husband is being very obnoxious today. Don't worry he knows! LOL (I see him reading this now.) Thank you for your support oh obnoxious one!

Have a wonderful Tuesday.

Monday already.

Good morning everyone, as you may have noticed, I took the weekend off. I was busy writing Mirrored Souls and napping. The exhaustion has not let up.  Today I do not have a session with my nutritionist, I have an appt with my pulmonologist. My anxiety is already through the roof. I'm trying to figure out if I can be seen without being put on the scale. I think I will just refuse today. I'm not having any testing done so my weight should not affect the outcome of my appointment. The problem is I am very non-confrontational and I usually do what is asked without hesitation. But today I am going to try and be more verbal about my wants and needs. 

My breakfast this morning consisted of a 70-calorie yogurt. I will not be having lunch, as I have to use my lunch hour for my appointment. I came to the office at 8. I will work 8-4 with my lunch hour being 3-4, versus my normal 9-5 with lunch 1230-130. Oh, the things we have to do and before you ask, no I don't get PTO and 1 only get 1 week vacation a year.  So, I have to always rearrange my schedule so as not to be short on work hours.

I'll let you know how it goes. Have a wonderful Monday.

 

Friday exhaustion

Finally made it to the end of the week and I am exhausted. I'm not sure why, still the illness, or the "lack" of calories. Either way I can barely keep my eyes open. I don't know how I will make it through the day.  I'll try to eat a few extra calories and see if the extra calories will give me energy or just cause me to gain weight.  

I am going to end this post right here, as I don't even have the energy to type or think. Have a great Weekend everyone.

Thursday

Happy Thursday everyone. I will say that I am on the mend. I did do my treadmill this morning and am feeling pretty good.  The week is going by pretty fast and before you know it, it will be Monday again. I do not have a session on Monday, due to the fact that I have an appointment with my pulmonologist. I'm sure all will go well; I'm hoping I can go longer than 6 months.

Diet wise, I am still attempting to do my challenges. I am getting rather lax in that area. I forget to log, and I try to go back. It's a mess. Anyway, that is where my mindset is at the moment. Hopefully I will get out of this funk soon. Until tomorrow my friends. 

Wednesday, June 12

The exercise recommendation has fallen to the wayside. I got up at my normal time and did my normal routine. I do feel like shit this morning, but I am sure I would have felt worse had I not done any exercises.  All in all, I'll try to get my rest at night like normal people, maybe take a nap on my lunch hour. My eating is not getting any better. I'm hitting my challenges, but I feel a little resentful. I miss my disease and being alone with it. This whole recovery thing is a lot more difficult than I ever expected. I'm 58, I've been doing this a long time what's wrong with continuing on for the last few years I have left?

Just putting that out there.

Session from Hell...

It started out okay, went over my food intake for the week. Got a little upset when I tried to say that I had 3 meals on Sunday. Doesn't count an apple as lunch. go figure. Also, being that I am sick, she suggested that I not exercise at least try and exercise only every other day until I "heal". It seems the nutrients that I am taking in and my body needs to heal are being burned up by exercise and not allowing for the healing effect. This is going to cause me great anxiety. I know I will constantly be looking at my FitBit to see how many calories I've burned and how many steps I have taken. I don't see today being very productive. But I signed up for this journey, so I will try my best.

Have a great day!

 

"Just another manic Monday"

It's the start of another week. Yesterday I had some issues, I was dizzy a few times during the day and when I took my B/P was 90/58, I'm guessing that was my issue. It was in the high 90's and we were sitting on the beach, that with little food could have contributed.  I did feel better after getting back into the air conditioning, having a Diet Coke and something to eat. I guess we've all felt like that a time or two. I'm sure my nutritionist will have something to say about that. 

Well, I have to get ready for the start of another work week.  Have a blessed week.

 

Sunday, not so funday

Today is my grandson's 3rd birthday and the birthday festivities had to be cancelled due to illness. Poor little guy is okay, it's his daddy and Mimi that are sick. Had dad been feeling better they would have kept the party on. Anyway, Happy Birthday my sweet little GIO!

Appetite is really down. I tried to eat something this morning, but it just isn't going to happen.  I am sure my nutritionist will understand. I'm not even going to go any further.  Enjoy your Sunday.

Saturday Fail

Happy weekend everyone. Well, I failed. Today was the day I was to have fat in my breakfast. I even had a conversation with my sister this morning, telling her I was going to have fat in my breakfast. I don't know. No excuses. I'm just in the habit of having what I have for breakfast and that seems to take over. I will attempt again tomorrow.  Maybe I should put a post it note on my fridge. "Andrea eat a fat with breakfast!" I'm not going to let it get me down. Today is a beautiful day in the Low Country and the grandkids are coming over to go to the pool or beach. 

Life is good and you're worth the effort. Remember that!

Life in Recovery

TGIF. I am doing okay today. Still under the weather but taking it in stride. It's hard knowing everyone watches what you eat. They may not say anything, but you know they are monitoring your intake. My throat is very sore, so I had a mini-ice cream sandwich (100 calories). I felt the need to explain why I had ice cream. No one asked, but you feel like you are constantly being judged so you have to justify when you eat something that is not a "safe" food. I know eating something out of your norm is what recovery is about and it shows that one is making progress, but I feel ashamed and believe I will be ridiculed for it.  

Life in recovery---sucks!

Good morning!

I'd like to give a shout out to the people who are visiting my page, people from all over the world! From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!

With that being said, I am under the weather today, so I will probably not be too worried about my weekly challenges. I will try to stay hydrated. The good news is yesterday I tested negative for Covid, so we will test again before I begin my day. 

Stay healthy my friends. I'll fill you in on my journey tomorrow.

 

Life Happens

Yesterday, my granddaughter had her kindergarten graduation. I, of course, attended. I did have to go into work late, which made it, so I did not get a lunch hour. Therefore, my eating was down yesterday. But it's okay, recovery is a marathon not a sprint. Today, hopefully will be a better day.

If you find that you are "off the wagon" whether it, be you fell off your diet, recovery (whatever form) it is okay. Don't beat yourself up. Today is a new day. Get back up, dust yourself off and continue!

Have a wonderful "hump day".

 

New Insurance

Found out yesterday that we will be getting new health insurance. I'm not sure I will be able to continue with my sessions. Only time will tell. Talked about it with my dietician and she assured me that we will figure something out. May have to decrease my sessions to every other week or once a month. Really not sure how that will go. The weekly sessions keep me accountable. I didn't achieve my challenges for the week, forgot to add fat at breakfast 1 time a week.  So, we are going to focus on breakfast, while keeping the other 2 challenges in place.  I decided I had to make it a routine, so every Saturday I will have cheese with my egg whites. doesn't that s

It's Monday Already

Good morning. I can't believe it's Monday. Why do the weekends go by so fast? I think it's because I have my session every Monday. Maybe if I change my appointments to Friday the weekend will come sooner. It's not that I hate my sessions, I just hate spending 55 minutes talking about myself and my relationship with food. It's very stressing. I know it's not supposed to be easy, but I literally stress about it all day.  

I really don't have much to contribute today. We will see how the session goes and go from there.  Have a wonderful day.

 

June 2nd

Sorry I missed yesterday. I was at the grocery store by 7 am.  Have you ever had to shop for food when you have an eating disorder?  I have no problem buying food for the family, but when you are trying to pick something out for yourself, it's impossible. I spent most of my time reading labels on food I thought I could eat. It seems my calorie cut off for an item is anything below 100 calories per serving. That really doesn't give you much to buy.  I know I'm supposed to be upping my caloric intake, and I am, but I still need to know how many calories each item has.  Needless to say, I hate grocery shopping, it causes me great anxiety. At one point I even got lightheaded and felt like I was going to pass out.  I hope this shows that even with an eating disorder, I will do anything for my family!

Today I get to go watch my grandkids, they will keep me active and allow me to burn calories without working out. It will be interesting to hear what my dietician thinks about everything.

May 31st

May is almost over. Hard to believe. Time sure goes by fast the older we get. Reminds me to live each day as if it is my last. I woke up this morning alone, my husband had to fly out of town for a funeral. Wednesday night there was a horrible accident ten minutes down the road, 5 people were killed. You never know when your number is up. 

That old saying, just go ahead eat the cake. You'd think with the mindset of any day could be your last, that it might help you in your eating disorder. But you know what? It doesn't.  All I can think of is I'm home alone, I don't have to eat, and no one will be the wiser. I will try, I will try to eat breakfast and lunch, I will not promise I will succeed, but I will try.

So today, on this last day of the month, be thankful you woke up to see it.

Thursday

Good morning. Today is going to be a beautiful day. I am feeling optimistic. I have been very busy with the sequel to Tortured Soul and that is keeping my mind occupied.  I don't have time to think about food, what I'm eating or what I have to eat.  I am just living my life without worry of what anyone thinks. I'm taking control. I understand that control is one of the major reasons people stay stuck in an eating disorder. When you feel like you have no control you turn to the disorder, you can control that. 

So, today I will try to let go of control. Let's see how well that goes. LOL

Hump Day, Hump Day

Woke up and did Pilates and then took a walk on the beach. It was a beautiful morning. As far as I can tell we had at least one turtle come up and nest. 

I did have my pineapple for dinner last night. I haven't decided if I am going to eat breakfast. I'm not feeling particularly hungry. According to my Fitbit, I have already burned 1691 calories and it is 7 a.m.   Not sure how accurate the Fitbit is, I'm guessing if it is accurate, I should weigh about 80 pounds, and guess what....I don't!  

I did get some good news yesterday, there was an amazing review of Tortured Soul on Amazon. Sales are still slow, but at least it is getting out there.  Now comes the added pressure of trying to get the sequel done.  PRESSURE!  We with E.D. know how that plays on our disease.  

That's where my head is at today. I hope you have an enjoyable day.

Tuesday, May 28th

I hope everyone had an enjoyable weekend with family and friends. Yesterday, Memorial Day, I had a session with my dietician.  It went okay. I met all my goals, her words not mine, I call them challenges.  I am miserable, bloated and just tired. She keeps telling me it's going to get worse before it gets better. I don't know how much worse it could get. I have to say all those thoughts come flooding back.  The desire to "lie" about what I've been eating and "lie" about the amount of exercise I do is very strong.  I, obviously, know this would be counterproductive, but the devil, (eating disorder) is always there waiting to take control again. I try to fight it, but it is difficult. 

Enjoy your short work week.  Keeping the faith!

Saturday: Let's be Positive

It's Memorial Day weekend and I choose to be positive today.  Thank you to all who served and those that made the ultimate sacrifice. When you think of what people go through, you realize your problems aren't that big.  Yes, I have an eating disorder. Yes, I have Eosinophilic Asthma. But you know what, I am thankful to wake up every day and blessed to be able to talk to my children and grandchildren anytime I want. There are so many, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, and grandchildren that don't have that opportunity. Being part of a family, where one or more members are serving, is very difficult.  So, this weekend, be thankful for not only the service personnel, but also their families. People forget the sacrifice that the families make without having a choice.

So, my petty eating disorder aside. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

It's Friday

Today is the start of a 3 day weekend. I never needed it as bad as I do now. I'm exhausted. 

I did message my dietician regarding my session on Monday.  I reminded her that it was Memorial Day and I didn't know if we have sessions on holidays. It would stink to have to end time spending with family to talk about my eating disorder.

I don't think I am doing very well on my goals this week.  I have had fruit at dinner time and no fats in the morning. I know, but what can I do? The day gets by you and you just forget.  How can one forget to eat? It's easy when you have a disorder.

 

Happy Hump Day

Good morning. I have started the day and already feel full. I've only had some peanut butter and coffee, but I feel like I have eaten an entire Thanksgiving dinner.  I did manage to get my treadmill done.  

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream, and that dream pissed me off. Now my whole day will be shitty. Does that ever happen to anyone else.  I know it was just a dream, but it seemed so real.  

Today I feel extra-large and miserable.  I'll try to work my way through it.  Journaling here helps me a lot. So, to anyone that is struggling, try journaling.

Until tomorrow. May your day be a happy one.

Tuesday 5/21/2024

Exhausted. I'm still trying to recover from my trip, but I did make my session last night. My dietician was pleased with my food journal. Although, I didn't eat my fat quota or each lunch every day, she was pleased to see I managed to eat dinner a couple times, even though I didn't eat what others were eating it was still at dinner time.

My goals for this week are to eat fruit twice a week at dinner time to try to get my system use to three meals a day.  I have to admit, I'm trying hard to fight the urge to punish myself for my food intake last week.  I will try my best. I also have to watch my exercise. I seem to be increasing the amount I work out with every goal.   

I'm Back

It was a long busy week. I have to admit, my diet was not up to par and as far as exercise goes, no real workout but I did work my ass off. We removed walls, built walls, cleaned and landscaped. It was great that family took the time out to see us, because we really didn't have time to go see anyone.

Saturday was the only day "off" we had. We headed to some local wineries and family met us there. It was a wonderful day and we had so much fun. Now the downside. It was a long 12+ hour drive yesterday, after all day of wineries the day before. The good news, we made it home safely and tonight I have my session. Will it be a good one or a bad one.  I'll let you know.

Enjoy your day!

Monday, May 13th

Today is my session after the dietician canceled last weeks.  I think I hit all my goals but I guess we will find out.  Tonight I leave to go visit family and do some projects around the family home. I'm sure my eating will not be up to par. I will do the best I can.

Today I feel a little under the weather, hopefully, it is just a minor cold. Covid is going around our office, I have not seen this person since Wednesday and he just got sick yesterday. Covid or not, you never eat much when you're sick. Here's praying she'll take that into consideration for next week's session.

I'll catch you all on the flip side. Have a wonderful week and stay healthy!

Friday at last

It has been a long week. So, glad the weekend is finally here. It's been a challenging week. I'm not sure if I met my goals for the week, but I know I have increased my activity level.  Next week I will be heading home for a week to do some repairs to my mom's house. I know my eating will be a challenge, I will be staying at my aunt's house, and she loves to feed people. LOL

So, I won't be posting at all that week. I'm leaving right after my session on Monday.  This will probably be my last update until I return. 

Thank you and wish me luck! I'm going to need it.

Thursday May 9th

Today is going to be a great day. I'm going to start off by accepting that. I will be able to overcome any obstacle that is thrown at me. Look at me being all positive and shit. LOL

Seriously, yesterday was a rough one, so today has to be better. I didn't get to take a lunch because we had a meeting

that took up most of the afternoon and one of my agents came in early for some extra help with his computer.  So, yes, today will be better, I'll get a lunch break.  I know, I know...but you don't like to eat so what's the big deal about missing lunch? Well, I didn't get to have mayo, which is part of my goal for the week.  I ended up with stomach issues and I didn't get a nap. Those are my reasons I don't like to miss my lunch break.

Otherwise, I'm doing better. So today is already a great day for all of us!

 

Wednesday

I woke up this morning irritated, annoyed by every little thing.  I woke up 15 minutes later than normal, although I got my workout in, it still threw me off.  I don't know why, I went to bed happy and content, writing a chapter and a half in the sequel of Tortured Soul.

Life is great, or so you'd think. I am very frustrated in the fact that I am doing all this work and feel like I'm getting nothing out of it.  I still don't feel like these sessions are helping. I'm so tired of putting in the effort and not getting any reward. I'm not talking about praise, "great job", no I want to feel the reward inside of myself and I just don't.  I don't know if this is making any sense. Sometimes I don't even understand. I feel like I am going through the motions, with no gratification. I feel like I'm doing it just not to let others down, and at the same time I'm letting myself down. 

I don't know. I'm sure it's just a rut and one day I'll wake up and see all the beauty around me and the beauty inside of me.

Oh, how I wish that day would come sooner than later.

No Session

Yesterday, my dietician had to cancel my appointment. There was a family emergency. I actually felt giddy. I felt bad that she had a family emergency, I was very relieved not to have to have session.  I have been questioning if this is helping me. I even asked my husband if he had noticed a difference, he said yes, but I'm not sure he just said that to give me encouragement and not quit or if he really means it.

I have come to the point, of after 6 weeks I should be further along than I am. I just feel fat and all I want to do is lose weight. I googled yesterday to see if I could get Ozempic, I know that would be against all I am trying to achieve, but I rather be unhappy and thin than unhappy and fat.  Those of you know! Those of you that don't understand will say that's being shallow. I know!

I won't have a session until the 13th, so we will see how the rest of the week goes. 

I hope you all have a nice Tuesday.

Sunday, May 5th

Sorry I missed "May the 4th be with you." It was a busy day. I am in the middle of writing the sequel to Tortured Soul and time got away from me. Then I had the grandkids for the night.  We baked cookies, I do it for them, they love to bake. Do  you know how difficult it is to bake and not taste the cookie dough? You are basically baking blind, on nothing but a hope and a prayer.  They like sprinkles, so we have sprinkles in the chocolate and the oatmeal cookies.

I have been doing weights everyday along with the treadmill. I must say my legs are a bit on the stiff side. Today I took a nice long walk on the beach, trying to get my creative juices flowing. I must say my story took a turn I didn't expect. So it's an adventure for me as well.

I forgot to log my food yesterday. I have to do that. I haven't had anything to eat yet today. It's currently 11 am.   Other than that, I really don't have much to report. I will probable eat "brunchner", breakfast/lunch/dinner all in one meal. I have my session tomorrow, so I'll have more to report after that.

Have a wonderful Sunday!

 

Friday

It seems like the weeks are going by faster and faster, yet I feel like I'm standing still.  It's been about 6 weeks since I started this journey and I feel like I have made zero progress.  I can't even accomplish the goal of adding fat to my diet and feel like I have gained twenty pounds. Obviously, I realize I haven't, but when I look in the mirror it looks like I have.

There are definitely more pressing issues in today's world than my eating disorder. I want you to know I appreciate your support, knowing that you are struggling and battling your own illnesses and demons. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope you have a wonderful Friday, keep the faith in fighting your struggles. I support you

May 2

Today is a better day, stomach wise anyway.  Yesterday I went mayo free, and my stomach seems to be doing much better. I will try to add it back in tomorrow, just to confirm that is the issue. Fingers crossed. Don't know what my dietician is going to say if fat is affecting my gut.  

Otherwise, we are on the downslide of the week and that makes me very happy. I did start adding weights to my workouts, is this to compensate for what I am eating, possibly. But after doing lots of research, weights will at least change the way my body looks and hopefully that will help with the body dysmorphia. 

I know sometimes my thoughts are all jumbled and all over the place, I'm sorry. I will try to focus on one topic at a time tomorrow. 

Have a wonderful day.

Hump Day

Well, it's Wednesday and my stomach is a mess. For the past couple of days my stomach has been so distended and in pain. Trying to figure out what is causing it, that means cutting out items I have recently added. Yes, mayo. I know that doesn't sound like it could be the culprit, but adding fat is the only thing I can think of, so I'll will be giving up the mayo for a couple of days and see if my stomach improves.

I knew recovery would be mentally painful, never realized it would be physically as well.  I will let you know what the next few days brings. Again, thank you for all your support. 

The Day After

Yesterday I had my 2 doctor's appointments, as well as my dietician session.  When I say my dietician was a little ticked at the response from my GP, that is an understatement.  She asked me how it went, and I was completely honest. My GP was nice, didn't weigh me, and when I told her I was seeing a dietician that specialized in eating disorders, her first response was "what kind of diet did she put you on?" Then I told her she didn't put me on a diet, she told me I needed to start adding fat into my diet. My GP looked a little perplexed. I continued that I was only eating 500-700 calories a day and still gaining weight, she proceeded to ask "Did you increase your treadmill time by 15 minutes per session? Did she tell you to eat fruits and vegetables?" Needless to say, she is clueless when it comes to eating disorders. My dietician is on a hunt to help me find a new GP in my area that is HAES Informed (Health At Every Size yes, a new term for me as well.) They focus on health without focusing on weight.  So, there you have it. If you have an eating disorder and want help, it is important that the doctor you are seeing has some kind of knowledge on the issue.

Today will be a better day!

Just trying to survive

I had 2 doctor's appointments today and the good news is neither of them weighed me, so ladies it is possible to go to the doctor and not get weighed, there are obviously some exceptions, etc. heart disease. So that was nice, my GP was at least nice, but wasn't very supportive in my struggle. Agreed not to weigh, went over my labs and sent me on my way. Her big thing was just email her a few days before my appointment to remind them not to weigh me, but since I don't have to go back for a year, she's sure I'll be better by then. NO CLUE.  I have decided that I may try a telehealth doctor that specializes in eating disorders in hopes that I can get better support. I'll keep you posted on that.

Tonight is my session with the dietician. She is going to be very disappointed. Today all I've had to eat was a greek yogurt (60 Calories) and a protein soup (70 calories) coffee and 2 diet cokes. But I had to come straight to work after my appointments and I see her immediately after I get off work; I hope she's a little understanding. I'll let  you know.

Have a wonderful afternoon.

 

Tomorrow's Monday

I took a long walk on the beach this morning, trying to get my anxiety under control. Tomorrow, I have 2 doctor appointments, and my Eating Disorder session. To say I'm dreading Monday is an understatement.  I do believe I met all my goals for the week, I put a small piece of cheese into my egg whites this morning. That counts as my fat, but it was only an added 35 calories making my breakfast total around 85.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but normally my egg white breakfast is 50 calories, baby steps.

I've decided to try this over-the-counter product to help me deal with the anxiety, it's called Zenium, I can take 2 capsules every 4 hours as needed. So, I'll take 3 doses today and a dose before I go to my appointments. I'll let you know if it works.

Anyway, I hope today finds you peace and happiness. Know you are not alone if you struggle with ED. If nothing else, I hope this blog gives you comfort.

Until tomorrow night.

Sorry I'm late posting.

Today has been a day. I had to go watch the grandkids for a couple of hours. I came home and started working on the sequel to Tortured Soul. But I'm here now. Today eating wise has been an issue, I use the excuse I've been busy. I did come home and have some roasted turkey breast and a diet coke (my go to drink).  I know it's bad for me, but come on, what isn't? My whole diet is bad for me. 

Oh, let me tell you this little issue I had with my general practitioner. I sent out messages about not being weighed at my visit. My gyn was understanding and said not a problem. My GP went on and on about how she does not deal with eating disorders, and she would have to refer me out to someone else. I said hold on, I just told you what I am going through to save time at my appointment (a heads up) and for you not to weigh me. Her assistant is actually the one that called. Her final response was, she'll talk to you at your visit. I think I may need to find me a new practitioner.  I was so upset and annoyed. My husband sees her and any little issue, she wants to make it better. I get shit. Apparently, I have the wrong anatomy to be a patient of hers. I am proud that I am going to stand up for myself!  Baby steps!

 

Friday

Do you ever wake up in a mood, you could just cry and you don't know why? That's where I am today. I don't know if it is the stress of this journey or the stress of life. Today I feel like a failure! Even though,  I took a big step yesterday. I messaged my doctors and told them of my journey and requested that they not put me on the scale when I see them on Monday.  The anxiety it caused was horrible, but I did it. 

I noticed as I was scrolling through TikTok that there are a lot of people suffering from anorexia, I can't believe what I see. I know there are many more eating disorders out there that don't seem to get the same attention as anorexia.  First of all, kudos to those people for being on TikTok, and I mean not just posting things, but doing videos, because for me that is something I could not do. Apparently, as part of my disorder, I hate being in videos, pictures, etc.  I hate the way I look and see myself as disgusting.  This I guess is the body dysmorphia.  I'm not sure, but I hate going out in public and I hate having my pictures taken. I know this causes tension with my family, and I understand, but I just can't take the anxiety it causes.

I, took another big step when I decided to attend my 40th class reunion. It is going to be very difficult, as I feel I am much larger than I was in high school, I fear I will be judged on how I changed. But I am going to journey outside my comfort zone and hope all goes well.

Have a wonderful weekend.

 

Thursday, April 25th

Good morning.  The weekend is almost upon us. I know most people look forward to that, however, weekends leave me alone with my disease. I try to occupy my mind with writing or hanging out at the beach, but then I don't "eat" what my dietician thinks I should be eating.  She has picked up on the fact, that I have been exercising more in order to compensate for the increase of fat. If it's true it is subconsciously. I have decided to add weights to my regime, more so for the firming up of muscles than becoming at fat burning machine. Well at least that's what I tell myself.  I know it sounds like I am trying to sabotage my treatment, and maybe I am, but if you have never suffered from an eating disorder you have no idea how difficult it is to give up the control.  I keep remembering why I am doing this. It is an exhausting disorder, both physically and mentally, I just want to be at peace.  I'll check in with you later. Thank you all for your support and kind words, and for those of you that are suffering with this debilitating disorder, I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

 

Happy Hump Day-

Yes, it is Wednesday, and I am still feeling UGH!  My stomach has not been feeling very good these past couple of days. I am trying to continue with the program, but adding additional fats seems to be messing up my gut.  I do take pro and prebiotics in hopes that helps.

On a brighter note, the pink moon was gorgeous last night. I hope that means today is going to be a better day.  My anxiety level is sky high. I am anticipating my doctor's appointments on Monday. I suffer from extreme "white coat syndrome" of course that fact that they will be putting me on a scale increases the anxiety trifold. The dietician suggested I tell them not to weigh me, as it really has nothing to do with my visits. Those of you that know me, know I am far from confrontational, that's another issue for another day, so she is going to send me DO NOT WEIGH cards that I can hand the MA/Nurse when they take me back.  She also suggested I think about getting an anti-anxiety medication to help me deal with these issues.  I will see what my GP suggests. 

That's about all for today. Oh, before I go, THANK YOU to all that have ordered Tortured Soul! I know a lot of people had trouble finding it so here is the QR Code.

 

 

Tuesday

Today I've had a bit of a set back.  I find myself not wanting to eat anything that has fat or sugar. Today I've had a sugar free/fat free Greek yogurt, 3 strawberries, 2 oz of turkey breast on a keto wrap and 4 small cubes of cantaloupe and it's 2:10.  Not sure if I'll eat dinner. The family is coming over, so I will probably use my grandson as an excuse to forgo dinner. Obviously I see and know it's not right, but sometimes the eating disorder takes over and I can't control it. Maybe, just maybe by the time dinner arrives, I will feel differently. Only time will tell.

Those of you that are suffering, I know you know. 

Monday Session

Today's session for the most part was very positive. I do have a new goal. I have to add fat to my breakfast at least once this week.  I know that sounds like a simple goal, but I already have to add fat to my lunch. She did inform me that "normal" people should eat carbs, fat, protein and a fruit/vegetable at each meal. That scared the crab out of me. I am not going to lie. I don't each bread, pasta, pizza any kind of yeasty food. I don't know if I will be able to ever eat the amount she wants me too. I will weigh 500 lbs. I really hope I can continue on this journey. I don't want to let myself down. I see my GP next Monday, I may have to ask for something to help me deal with the anxiety.

 

Sunday Funday

It's one more day until I have my next session.  The anxiety is already starting to build. I know I'm not Doing as well as I think I should. I feel like I am gaining weight, and it is making me very nervous. I think we may go to the beach, and the idea of putting on a bathing suit is horrific.  I feel like my stomach is huge, I feel bloated and just plain awful. Those of you that do not suffer from an eating disorder wouldn't understand. I know most people have anxiety about putting on a bathing suit, but it doesn't paralyze you.  I look at women that I know are quite bigger than me, out there in their two-piece suits, so confident and they don't give a shit. I so long for the day that I can be like that. I have to keep remembering why I am doing this journey.  I want to get to the point where I am okay with the way I look.  I'll check in tomorrow after my session to let you know how the progress is going. I am worthy of loving myself!

 

Happy Saturday

It's hard to believe it's al out time for my next session. I don't think k my fat intake is up to par. I find myself trying to figure out how to lose weight while following the program. She says it's normal, but I'm really considering lowering my I take after my next session. I know that defeats the purpose of this program, but the desire to stick with the disorder is overwhelming.  Hopefully it's just thoughts a day I actually will stick to the program.

I feel like I've gained 50 pounds and I'm so bloated. I need to get rid if that feeling. She says it's all in my head, but to me it is an actual physical feeling.  This disorder is exhausting. 

 

 

TGIF

I am so glad it's Friday.  It has been a long week.  My eating habits have not been the best. I am sure I will be getting scrutinized on Monday by my dietician.  I am not looking forward to that.  I really don't have much to say. I still have not weighed myself. I will probably do that on Sunday to see how the week has gone. I did realize yesterday.  that caffeine suppresses your appetite. I did not have 1/2 caff available, so I had regular and let me tell you, I was flying! Didn't eat anything until 11 and even then, I wasn't hungry. I did it so I wouldn't get reprimanded. My book launch went well. Thank you to all who ordered. 

 

Thursday-April 18th

Well, I am 1 month in on my journey toward recovery, and It is getting harder.  I find myself wanting to eat less than I normally do, because I have to log everything in and I see how much I am eating, and it makes me ill.  I haven't been on a scale all week, so I don't know if my weight has gone up or down. That part is kind of liberating, however, on the 26th I have to go to the doctors, and they will put me on a scale. This is causing me great anxiety even though it is over a week away. I don't know why they have to put us on a scale....it is very triggering.  It's okay to do it at home in the privacy of your own bathroom, no one can judge you, except you. At the doctors, everyone can judge you by your weight.  

 

Tough Day

It was really a tough day yesterday. Work was okay, but I feel that after my husband sat in on my session, he is watching what I eat more closely. I know he tries to understand, I don't think he truly gets the depth of this disorder. He tried to associate it with him being a workaholic and not being able to delegate because it won't be done correctly, so he might as well do it himself. I see where he is coming from, it's about control, but I don't think he really understands the mental anguish an eating disorder is. He states he would like to sit in on a few other sessions, we will see how it goes.

This week I am dog sitting at my daughters, I brought some of my food items that I deem acceptable, but I know my intake is going to be lower than normal, so I am ready for a talking to on Monday.

The stress of the release of Tortured Soul has played havoc, as is having our condo for sale. So much on my plate it's taking a toll.

Have a wonderful hump day and as always thank you for the support.

Steps to Recovery

I know this will resonate with some of you, those of you who deal with E.D. (eating disorder) and low self-worth.  I am, although I don't always see it, making big strides.  The fact that I put my personal writings out there for the world to criticize, is huge. Those of you who know, know that criticism is by far one of the biggest triggers for an E.D. Whether it is related to your body image or not. To me, any criticism is that I'm not good enough. Now I know those of you who are not dealing with the issues in this blog will not understand.  But trust me, it runs deep.  It could be something as simple as, "Why didn't you ask the client to fill out an information sheet?" It is soul-crushing.

My dietician doesn't do that, but she makes me face my thoughts.  For example This mayo makes me feel like I am huge like I'm gaining weight and my belly just keeps getting bigger." She will respond with, "Are you huge? Do you really believe that 6 tsp of mayo a week will make you gain weight?" I have no argument for that, my E.D. brain will get all flustered to the point where I just say, "Well that's how it makes me feel." Having to face the dialog in my head terrifies me, I mean really TERRIFIES me.  I  have been alone with the thoughts in my head for so long, I don't like to have them challenged.  She also stated that I probably suffer from body dysmorphia. This is something, I've been told before, but I can't help what I see in the mirror. Yesterday's session, made me realize I have a long road ahead.  

Thank you for always supporting me.

 

Monday-Tax day

I'm really nervous today. I'm not sure if it's because my book is out there for the world to critique or if it's because my husband will be sitting in on today's eating disorder session, only 2 hours until my session.  I want to throw up. I'll let you know how it goes after.

Session, went better than expected,  I was worried I would get ganged on, and at times I felt likeI was,but for the most part the hubs was supportive.  I have to say, I really don't like talking about my issues in front of him. It's truly a very intimate thing. It's been just me and my disorder for so long, that sharing it makes me feel like I'm losing control over my life.

 

Sunday

 

One more day until session. My husband is going to sit in, hopefully he'll start to understand eating disorders. I'm a little nervous, but I think it will be good for both of us.

I'll let you know tomorrow after the session on how it went. Blogging may be 

Another Day Under My Belt

After talking to a few wonderful, caring and important people in my life, I feel a renewed sense of determination. I almost gave up on recovery. I know it's going to take a lot of effort, tears and frustration, but I'm willing to continue on. 

Today is a beautiful day. I will be spending it with my daughter and grandchildren, not going down to the beach, I think we are going to hang at the pool, that way the kids can swim. 

Thank you all for your continued support and words of encouragement. It really helps and I love you for it.

Until tomorrow!

TIGF

It's been a long week.  I am so thankful that it's Friday.  Today, I don't feel well. I am extremely tired and bloated. All I've had thus far was a cup of coffee. I got up at 4 like I normally do, did a Pilates workout, but for some reason, today I feel like crap.

I don't think I'll be able to eat breakfast this morning, I feel extremely full. I didn't get on the scale today; I don't know what I would do if the number went up or didn't go down.  This recovery is definitely a rollercoaster. Honestly, had I not put it out there I would just give up on it.  FYI, peace didn't find me yesterday.  

Have a wonderful Friday.

Thursday 4/11

Today I stepped onto the scale and it was 2 lbs higher than the day before. The anxiety and disgust I felt was unbearable. Now I know that if you gain 2 pounds overnight it is water weight not actual fat. One would have to consume an awful lot of calories to gain 2 pounds in one night. That is the logical part of my brain, but my eating disorder tells me an entirely different story. It tells me that I must eat even less and exercise more to stop gaining weight. I should probably throw my scales away, but it is my security and besides, the f'ing doctors feel the need to put you on one at each visit. At least if I weigh myself at home before my appointments, I can prepare myself and wrap my brain around what the scale will say when I get there. Let's hope peace finds me today and I will be able to think logically vs emotionally.

Peace!

Hump Day

Yesterday the kids came over for dinner and I actually sat down with them. I had sauteed peppers and onions, no protein. Baby steps.  I really don't know what I'm feeling today. My mind seems to be all over the place. If I could just focus. I'm worried about what I will eat or not eat, worried about being judged because of my disorder, I'm worried about my new book coming out, worried about what people think, worried that all of the grammatical errors were not corrected.  I know I can't do anything about the book, I can only control what I eat and don't eat.   I really never realized how much I rely on my disorder, being in control of that part of my life makes it easier to cope with other stressers. Now, the dietician is "pecking" at my control over food and it is very frustrating!  I am glad I put this out for the world, because it is truly holding me accountable. If not for doing that, I probably would have given up by now.

Have a wonderful Wednesday.

 

The Day After-

I am having an emotional morning. Yesterday's session was hard. I did not meet my goal of having mayo on my turkey wrap five times. I thought I had it in the bag, it seemed like I had mayo every day. When my log was tallied, I only used mayo 3 times.  I couldn't believe it. I failed at such a simple task. So that is what my goal is for this week, again I have to try to use mayo, but this time at least 4 times.

I know that people without eating disorders have no understanding as to why this little task was so hard. I get it. I put myself in this hell and I can't expect anyone to understand or even care about what I am going through, they have their own lives. I have to accept that this is my journey, and no one can take it for me.

Monday-Session Day

I find myself still searching diet fads and how to lose 10 pounds in a week.  I know those diets don't work, and to lose 10 pounds in a week is very unhealthy. But my mindset keeps me going back to the weight loss merry-go-round that has ruled my life for as long as I can remember.  I just want to be thin, healthy never crosses my mind. Although, I do use health as an excuse to try to find the miracle I need to lose weight. 

I know society judges everyone by the way they look.  I shouldn't let that bother me, but unfortunately for the past 45 years it has and trying to change that mindset is hard. Every day I look in the mirror disgusted by what I see. I pray that today I will be in control and eat only what is necessary to survive. I try to focus on my recovery, but the weight I carry is sabotaging my success.  I need to figure out how to lose the weight and be healthy.  I am hoping this program will help me get there.

 

Took Saturday Off

I took a day off from posting. I was having trouble getting my thoughts together.  I had someone reach out to me and asked me to tell them about the program I am going through. I figured I'd share it with everyone.  The program is Nourish and it is covered by most insurance companied.  You can read the bio's of all the dietician's they have and pick the one that suits your needs best.  The one I picked has extensive experience and education in eating disorders.  There are also dieticians that will help you if you just want to eat healthier.  

Nourish (usenourish.com

I have been doing my mayo goal, and I think I've done well.  We will find out tomorrow. I did notice that I would try to compensate for the mayo calories and fat, by removing something else from my diet. I have managed to keep my mind busy. I have been working hard to finish Tortured Soul. I'm still hoping for a 4/15 release date.

The stress of the book, trying to sell our condo, and finding the extra money for the new car is taking its toll.  I'm doing the best that I can.  I am aiming for a really good week next week. Wish me luck!

 

 

It's Friday

The weekend is about to start, and I feel a little better today. I was more in control of my diet yesterday.  The guilt has subsided to an extent. Saturday and Sunday I will have to keep my mind active.  I will probably spend most of my day writing. I have a lot to do in that area.  

I am thinking of joining a support group. I keep putting my feelings out there and it is helping. But then again, I see how ridiculous my thoughts are, I recognize that, but I struggle to stop it.

This blog is going to be short, not much to say.  If something of importance happens today, I'll come back and let you know.

Accept yourself for who you are, not what you think others expect you to be. 

It's Not Easy

Yesterday was a rough day.  I consider it a binge day.  Although, I know most of you would not agree with me, but let me tell you, the guilt, the feeling of being out of control and the shame is very real.  I will tell you what I consumed as to be totally transparent.

Breakfast-1 cup of Greek Yogurt

Lunch-Turkey wrap with no mayo (oops) and a snack bag of chips.

Snack-2 oz of Colby Jack cheese.

Dinner- 1 slice of cauliflower pizza with peppers, onions and zucchini.

A diet coke, water and coffee with protein powder and collagen powder.

When I had to log my food into Nourish (the company that my dietician works for), I never felt more ashamed and disgusted in a long time.  Now I know she is going to say that in clinical terms this is not considered a binge, but in my world it is. I felt out of control. This morning, all I am thinking about is how not to lose control today.  Almost like I have to punish myself and not eat anything to undo the damage I did yesterday.

Please if anyone else is going through these issues, please reach out to me. I feel like I am drowning out here on my own.

 

Exhausted

Today the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed and face the world.  But my disorder wouldn't allow. I had to get up and do my morning exercise routine. If I didn't get up and do at least 30 minutes, the quilt would eat at me all day.  Thus, making me not want to eat, as I hadn't burned enough calories. 

It is rainy and gloomy here, makes me feel extra gloomy. I would like nothing more than to stay home, but I have a meeting this morning.  

So, this morning it was a vanilla sugar free Greek yogurt. Already worried about what I will have for lunch. Yesterday, I did have a turkey wrap with a tsp of mayo. Today, I will forgo the wrap, maybe a rice cake with all natural, no added sugar peanut butter. The hubs will not be home for dinner, so I'll probably skip that, maybe have a snack.  I have to show I'm making progress, it's just so hard to force yourself to eat because you're afraid you'll get fatter. 

It's a rough day today. I'll keep trying.

 

One week in-

The anxiety is very present this morning.  I really don't know why.  The fear of this process and gaining weight scares the crap out of me.  When I brought up the fear of adding calories and that I was trying to make peace with having 1200-1500 calories, she stated that with my activity level that I would be looking at 1800-2000 calories a day. I literally wanted to throw up. Luckily the screen on her end froze at that time, because I am sure the look on my face was pure terror. She assures me that will be way down the road, but I will dwell and obsess about that forever. I knew this would not be easy and I willfully signed up for it, but I don't know.  Keeping the faith.

Day 6 - Session 2

Today, was my second session with Teresa and she was very honest, which is very scary. The best part of the session was I no longer have to take pictures of my food.  My goal for the week is to add a condiment to my turkey wrap, sounds easy enough, but the one she chooses is the highest fat content, Mayo.  Apparently, I am not getting enough fat in my diet. I have to try to do it at least 5 times this week. It will be difficult, believing most of my life that fat is not healthy, but I will give it my best shot.  

I realize to some of you that have not had to deal with an eating disorder/ or someone that suffers from one, this seems like a ridiculous goal, but trust me when I say it is terrifying. Adding any additional calories causes extreme anxiety.  I'm a big calorie counter and to see that number rise makes me sick. 

I hope that once I conquer this small task, that adding additional calories might not be so scary.  I have to remember this is a marathon and not a sprint, I'm not going to get better in a matter of weeks, it will take me years to work through this. Trying to reprogram your mind, trying to be okay with who you are, and not worrying about what other people think of you is all I really want. It's exhausting and I'm tired of it ruling my life. 

Love to you all. 

Day 5- Easter Sunday - End of March

Happy Easter to everyone.  I know for those of you who are like me, holidays are very hard.  The stress of family gathering around the table for a delicious meal and create a lot of anxiety.  Luckily for me, I don't have to deal with that stress anymore.  I used to work out until I burned 1500 calories, to ease the anxiety of having to eat. I no longer live around extended family and my husband usually works on most holidays; I don't really have the added stress anymore. Today it will just be me, my daughter, and grandchildren. No big meal, as the kids will probably be filled up with candy and my daughter understands my issue and never presses me to eat. We will be spending most of our Easter having fun on the beach. 

Tomorrow is my next counseling session. I will hold off on writing until after!  Try to have a wonderful day with family and friends.

Day 4

 

It was a busy morning. The fam spent the night, my daughter and 2 grandkids.  They are the light of my life.  This reminded me of one of my lowest points in my disease; it was right after I got married. My husband and I moved from Ohio to South Carolina, he was in culinary arts school, while working full time, so I was home alone a lot.  He even had to do a 3-month internship in NC.  I didn't have to cook or eat, and I could take laxatives unnoticed. I think at that point I had gotten down to one of my lowest weights, I was in a real downward spiral. When my husband returned home, and I got pregnant with my daughter.  I often tell her she saved my life.  I could no longer be alone in my disease; I had another human being relying on the nutrition I was putting into my body. This was one of the happiest times of my life, but also one of the most terrifying. I was going to be a mom, but my body was going to gain weight and get "fat".  

I worked for the practice that would be delivering my baby.  I was so obsessed, that when I had a routine OB appointment, I would get to the office early and weigh myself before I had put anything in my body. I would get drilled, okay asked, by the doctors how my nutrition was, obviously I would fib, as I didn't want a lecture (that would come later). When it was toward my due date, I met with the nurse midwife, and she wanted to discuss breastfeeding. What was she talking about? I had no intentions of breastfeeding. She lectured me about brain development and immunity and all the other good things it had to offer my new baby.  I could not comprehend what she was saying, I was selfishly thinking about me.  How could I continue to eat "healthy" I have been doing it for 9 months.  I made the sacrifice, I gained the weight, I was miserable and offended by my own body. Needless to say, I did not breast feed either of my 2 children, and I was blessed, and both of my children were healthy and very intelligent. 

As I continue to fight the urge not to eat, I think about my family, wondering how I got to be so selfish. It's a struggle every minute of every day. I ask those who are reading this to know, you are not alone. I am documenting my recovery to hopefully give you hope that it is never too late to get help. The hardest thing you will do is admit you need help, that you can't do it on your own. If you could have done it by now.

To the family and friends of those who are suffering, it's not as easy as "just eat".  I know you don't understand, and you can't understand, we who suffer don't even understand why we can't "just eat". I will say, for me anyway, I lack self-confidence, fear judgement and fear not being accepted.  Eating disorders are an emotional disease, and facing those emotional demons is difficult and scary. Something in our life triggered the disease, and every little innocent comment about our body feeds the disease.

Love to you.

 

 

Day 4 

Took a walk on the beach this morning to clear my thoughts. It was chilly, but the sun was bright and there's not a cloud in the sky.  Now, I sit wondering what I should do about breakfast.  I hate the thought of having to take a picture and upload.  I really feel like this is counterproductive, at least for me. I have never been more aware of the calories I'm taking in verse the calories out; I find myself weighing myself every day (multiple times a day) being happy if I lose a pound and disgusted if I don't.  Now, the professional assures me that it will get harder before it gets better.  I hope she is right, because right now I feel like I am spiraling down. The concept of take a picture makes sense if you are trying to lose weight or trying to stop bingeing, but when one is trying to stop focusing on food/calories I don't see how it's going to work. She's the professional, so I will trust the process.

My health journal book and my anti-anxiety supplements arrived yesterday, so today will be my first day utilizing these tools.  Hopefully this helps.  I took a big step and had a talk with my boss about my disorder, as I had to get permission to leave early every Monday for my zoom session with my dietician.  I will say, her name is Teresa and she works for Nourish. She is wonderful. I look forward to talking with her on Monday about my setback.

Have a wonderful day. 

 

Day 3

I am sitting here contemplating what to have for breakfast.  The idea of having to snap yet another picture of my meal makes me not want to eat anything.  Normally I'll have a rice cake with peanut butter or a sugar free Greek yogurt, but I've already used those.  I may have to break down a make egg whites. At least it's little calorie for a large amount.  I know that is not what I am supposed to be doing, but she wanted to see my baseline.  I haven't had to change anything, so I don't know why I am so anxious.

I have noticed that all of this anxiety has exasperated my asthma.  I am finding I have to use my inhaler more frequently.  today will be a true test. We are having "happy hour" afterwork for a coworker's birthday and the finalization of her divorce. No one at my current job knows anything about my issues, so always trying to avoid the food is always tricky. Eventually, I am sure I'll have to come clean. It's getting really hard to hide my anxiety while there.

So, not much is new here. But if I have to be completely honest, I do kind of regret making the decision to get help. She said the fact that I showed up for my first session was a huge step. But I feel lost and like everyone is watching what I eat.  I hate when asked "What did you eat today?" If you know, you know!

Love to you all.

 

Day 2

Good morning, everyone. I'd like to say that I am doing better today, but unfortunately, I'm not.  I will say for the most part people are being very supportive. These are family and friends that have known about my disorder for a long time. I was surprised that some did not acknowledge the challenge I have a head of me, and others were worried about what people would think. I don't care what people thing. This is something I have to do for me.  I need to address this, those that struggle know it is extremely exhausting keeping up the facade.

Someone asked me when this first started.  I can tell you exactly when this disease took hold.  I was a freshman in high school and in gym class they weighed each of us in front of other people.  I was mortified, was I obese, no but it didn't matter. Two weeks later when we were weighed again, I was down more than 10 pounds.  That's how easily it can suck you in.  Here we are 45 years later, and I used my eating disorder as a crutch.  Anything that happened to me emotionally, physically, or spiritually that I was unable to control, I turned to my "friend".  

This is what is happening now, I am not in control, the dietician is, she has set goals for me this week and I now more than ever want to turn to my "friend".  I want to just stay home and hide from the rest of the world.  I've talked to the dietician about the anxiety, and she stated it will get worse before it gets better. Isn't than comforting. She suggested journaling, this is what I am doing here on my website, putting it all out there for the world to see and judge. I've also found a supplement that is supposed to help with anxiety, it will be here on Friday, hopefully it helps.  I will let you know.  In the meantime, if anyone reading this is struggling with eating disorders, whether it be anorexia, bulimia, binging or any disorder in between I hope that by following my journey, you will find comfort in knowing you are not alone and that I've walked in your shoes. I will be here for you, and I hope you will be here for me.  I know I will have set backs, that's when I will need you the most.

Thank you and love you.

Extreme Anxiety

I know I just posted, but as I sit here at work my anxiety level is rising to an extreme high.  I am more aware of my eating habits than I was previously.  I am scared that the journey I am on will make my disorder worse than better.  Having to take pictures of what I eat is causing me great distress.

The ANXIETY IS REAL! Lord give me the strength. I don't know if I can do it. The last thing I feel like doing is eating. I actually want to be sick. I feel like I am losing my best friend. The one friend I could always count on, the friend that let me be in control. I'm not going to lie, it sucks.  But if my journey can help just one person, then I will try my best to see it through to the end.

 

Eating Disorder consultation.....

Well, I had my first consultation with my dietician. It was very emotional. I had to face my eating disorder head on. I didn't realize how much of a "security blanket" it was for me.  I hate the thought of giving up control.  This week my goal is to log all my food intake for the week without putting the calories down. I also have to take pictures of each meal/snacks. I feel like that will trigger me to eat less. 

I also have to write down emotional stresses that cause me to withhold food. Due to low self-esteem issues when I am feel unworthy or rejected I eat less, thinking if I lose weight I will be worthy and loved.

This is needless to say, very hard for me.  I am scared I will regress instead of getting better.  Next week I have another appointment. I really like the dietician and she puts me at ease, but it does not make this journey any easier.

 

Getting Help

Good morning. I've took a big leap last night.  For those of you that know me, you know I have always had self-esteem issues as well as a poor relationship with food.  In my younger days, I suffered from Anorexia/Bulimia.  I never sought treatment for it.  I never considered it a problem, as it was just "eating healthy" and "exercise."  As long as I was thin, I didn't care what it took to stay that way.  Well, now I am older and hopefully wiser.  I still struggle with my eating disorder and exercising, but now I'm menopausal and take many, many medications for my eosinophilic asthma.  I tried to talk to my doctors (both of which are female) and the first one told me it was just menopause and lower my calorie intake.  The other one told me it was caused from the steroids I take for my asthma and there was nothing I could do until I come off of them.  I'm never going to be fully off of steroids, so I thought I was destined to be heavy for the rest of my life.  I know most of you will say I'm not heavy and I look "great", but to me these extra pounds is devastating.  If anyone has ever had an eating disorder, you know.

Last night I decided to address the disorder, not with a therapist, not with a doctor, but with a dietician that specializes in those conditions.  I am hoping that I can adapt a better relationship with food and myself.  I know she is going to tell me I have to up my caloric intake, and that terrifies me.  I am already very anxious about the whole ordeal.  My first consultation is March 25th.  So, wish me luck!  I'll update you after my appointment.  I'll allow you to follow my journey in hopes that it will help someone else.

Remember, you can't judge a book by its cover. No one knows what struggles any of us our facing.  Always, be empathetic, not judgmental.